I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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