She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
