Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
