I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
