Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
