Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
