My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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