Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
