Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
