I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He kissed a someone with a penis
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At least life still wants to fuck me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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