Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
