She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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