So drunk its hurt
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
