we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
God, I missed his penis.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
