you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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