he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
