Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
