Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
