so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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