my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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