just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
