We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
