my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
