Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
