she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
