I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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