i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
