Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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