remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
