Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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