i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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