i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
