the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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