Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
