so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
