Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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