I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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