yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
