and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
