babies were throwing up all over the place
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
