i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
