I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
