some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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