No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
