WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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