Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
