Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
