my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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