After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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