don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
