you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
