Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
