I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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